Embrace the Chaos
As I enter the last chapter of my life,
I find myself reflecting on all the stages that have brought me here.
Being the fifth of six children, there was never a shortage of chaos at home. For the first twelve years of my life, I was essentially raised on a ranch filled with horses, chickens, goats, sheep, cows, and just about every kind of animal you could imagine. We had a big swimming pool, a lake, and endless space to explore and play.
Our home seemed to draw people in, and every weekend it was filled with friends and family.
Then, every summer, we had a boys’ camp.
Talk about chaos.
But looking back, that chaos was also the backdrop of a childhood filled with freedom, adventure, and life. Then, at age twelve, a forest fire destroyed our ranch house, and everything changed. We moved to San Francisco, where my dad had his business, and over the next seven years I moved five times and attended five different schools before graduating from high school.
I guess you could say chaos had simply become a part of my life.
I moved out on my own at twenty, put myself through college while working, married at twenty-three, and started a family at twenty-seven. Without going into all the changes and moves that followed, let’s just say the chaos and change continued.
In the second major chapter of my life, I had four children over twelve years while working full-time as a schoolteacher. Managing lesson planning, taking my kids to school, picking them up, sports after school and all that goes along with family life, let’s just say that time, quiet, order, time alone, these things were always in short supply.
Chaos? Ahhh, yes. Raising kids and getting them through college took about thirty-five years so chaos was simply part of my life. And it is part of any working mother’s life.
You learn not to let it get to you, because if you do, you won’t survive.
Now I’m in the last chapter of my life. I retired from teaching, my family is grown and living elsewhere, and some have families of their own. They are busy in their own chaos.
I lost my husband unexpectedly, and I am faced with the opposite... intense silence.
I wasn’t ready for this.
My husband was still working, and we expected to have many more years and adventures ahead. It is a real challenge for me to be happy with the empty house day after day. I work hard at connecting with life. I am in groups, am active with city council, and reach out to have coffee or lunch with friends. But the nights are quiet. All the mess in the house is mine, and there is no one to keep me company as I pull weeds or declutter the garage.
There is no one asking anything of me.
Just me.
So, what would I say to those younger who are going through their perceived state of “chaos”?
Embrace it!
Allow the house to be messy. Have the kids sleep in your bed or on the floor in your room if that is the only way you get some sleep. Don’t feel like your child’s birthday party has to stand out as an Instagram-able success. So much pressure is put on parents today to outdo the next family.
Don’t let what others do for their family control you, your family, and what works for you.
Remember work will always be there tomorrow, so while you want to do your best, tomorrow is another day to do more.
Enjoy the moments of life that you will never get back.
People always say “it” goes quickly, and I know that at the time it doesn’t feel like that now. But I look back on that time of my life of work and kids with joy and lots of great memories. That is what is important.
Embrace the chaos!
If this stirred something in you, we'd love to hear it. What helps you find peace in the middle of your own chaos? You're welcome to bring the answer — even the messy, unfinished version of it — into our next Sister Circle.
Betsy Gaudette-Cross is a mother of four, grandmother of five, and lover of the world from Morro Bay, California. She is a retired teacher with a Masters in Education/Instructional Technology.
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